passion?
today was a day i kinda stoned through.
went for choir workshop at VJ.
stoned all through.
was listening to meridian's choir.
looked up for absolutely no reason,
and i realized the ceiling looked amazing.
the strange thing was before i looked up,
i was falling asleep.
after that, i just woke up.
figuratively i mean.
then we performed.
then bla and bla then VJ.
yeah nothing to say here.
no doubt of a GwH for them at syf.
but when i was listening,
i just realized that i lost a little part of me.
i lost a part of my passion for singing.
i better find that passion soon.
before i lose myself.
"i'd better find my passion before i lose my voice" - Jason
posted by Jason on 3:07 AM on
Saturday, March 31, 2007
0 comments
***
in.a.pit.sooo.stuck.in.this.pit.
i'm going very quietly insane. i mean i know i'm going insane, but i'm not too sure why.
theres so much to do. yet so little. if i'm like this in C1 i'm not sure how im gonna be in C2.
choir's kinda killing me. stupid things are happening. for one there's idiotic japgame and associated errors, which to me perpetually seems to be pitch. everytime, for the first note, it goes "come in with confidence! don't be blur and come in soft! and for godsakes come in with the right note!" and i'm always thinking "the only reason i don't come in with confidence is BECAUSE i don't GET the bloody note. what the hell". I'm sure i'll get it done in time, but the other problem i have is that i can't hear exactly when we've gone sharp or flat or whatever. i just can't hear that small difference most of the time, and when we hold a note, it sounds awful, but i don't know whether i'm flat or sharp in relation to them, and its irritating, coz i don't know if and HOW to correct it. i have a tendency to go sharp too. and i have poor focus. all things i wish i could fix, and im pretty sure in time i will, but its frustrating.
and the people. gaaah the people. i'm probably splitting hairs and being an ass, but is it REALLY necessary for us to HAVE to be pep talked? we've been pep talked for so long, why another one? why can't we just get the thing in our heads and stop screwing up. i don't know myself. but everytime there's that very affirmative "YES" to the question at the end of each peptalk, going along something like "are we gonna work harder" or something, i just find myself tired. and i just stone. i can distinguish certain voices, which happen to ring more or just are plain louder, and sometimes i wonder.. are they just putting on a false front? its not too hard i guess, just to yell yes and not do anything. all the better if they mean it, but i'm getting cynical. maybe its just empty vessels make the most noise, or maybe its just me. i feel like walking out of the peptalks sometime. or just walking up to those who yell yes and kicking the shit out of them. or maybe its just that i'm angry that they're so empowered by the perpetual peptalks while i'm feeling increasingly nothing for them. maybe i'm just jealous.
ah well. econs and GP essay on monday. tomorrow that is. and i havent done even 20% of my planning. i'm gonna get screwed so badly. i had a thought. it went "chs made me very competitive, but didn't do anything to increase my competitiveness."
kinda sad in that way. i'm sure i want to outperform the others, but i have no idea how to.
mug. i'm disliking some people in my class. the same reason i have for those fellas in choir empowered by peptalks. they have false fronts. damned hypocrites. and im not sure how to deal with them. i just really want to sink my hands into their necks sometimes. in the words of my senior, slightly modified, "they have no respect for others, and don't know when they've hurt others". i would so like to sink my fingers into their necks. strain their tendons and rupture some veins. oh no, i don't want them to die. they don't deserve it. i want them to hurt. ooh yes. no death. i'm very humanitarian. its an easy way out for them to just die and be ignorant. pain tends to wake people up. i hope to wake them up.
in other news, i got a small bit of inspiration from my senior.
i would so like to fall into this scene. i wrote it, so its shockingly horrible, but i like it, so hey, anything goes.
"to sit in a park,
with autumn leaves on the ground.
flowing along like a river of caramel and honey,
whenever the wind kisses your cheek or ruffles your hair,
the way a playful partner would do.
a light rustle from those leaves,
in shades of mandarin they are,
crisp and fresh they are,
almost sounding like raindrops on a hearty summer's day.
to have magpies keep you company,
one snuggled in the palm of your hand,
two playing seesaw with your shoulders,
three having a tea party on the rest of the bench,
and the rest hopping around on the ground, gleefully chirping away.
oh whats this?
a fruity fragrance tickles your nose.
theres a little packet in your hand.
you open it, and you get
20-something strawberries and raspberries steeped in brandy.
i dunno what else to say. i havent tasted berries in brandy before.
i feel very mopy. hmm. need to plan essays. cya.
posted by Jason on 3:32 AM on
Sunday, March 25, 2007
0 comments
***
i really want to swear.
what sort of a sh!t holiday is this... all of a sudden i'm feeling bloody low today la. baskit.
3 tests when school starts and i keep thinking i haven't done enough for them. and i'm kinda sure i'm correct about that.
what the bloody eff. dont want to get bloody effs for my tests.
i desperately wanting/hoping nay, NEEDING a keyboard or something to make music with. $#_(*%_#@$. i wish i didn't give up on piano back then. damn screwed.
i need a life.
this is the most screwed holiday ever.
posted by Jason on 5:11 AM on
Saturday, March 17, 2007
0 comments
***
priorities...
I need help...
I'm lost in a world..
a world where there are 2 paths and 2 paths only..
there is no middle ground..
there is no grey area..
there is not even a "thin red line".
its one or the other,
and not pick both and be a rafter.
decisions like this screw me up badly.
i'll lose sleep either way,
when i solve this question,
i'll be faced with another..
not long into either of my paths,
i'm gonna lose some of my companions..
not by my choice,
not by their choice,
but by the choice of some higher power.
all i can hope for,
is that its for the better,
and not for the worse.
for when i lose my companions,
i may lose my footing.
and when i lose my footing,
they can only watch.
and when they only watch,
i will fall.
and when i fall...
i lose my life.
stuck in the middle of 2 choices,
choices so distinct, so different, so differentiated,
that i have nowhere to go.
they pull me equally strongly,
yet i can't be in 2 places at once.
the destination could be the same. it might.
but theres no way i can tell.
the end is death for certain,
but its the journey and not the destination that matters, they say.
oh decisions decisions.
maybe i should just take my life now.
- why can't life just be a videogame?
- i need some sleep.
- i need to rediscover my passions
- i need to focus
- i need ...
the average singaporean cares about 5Cs..
i'm already breaking down over 2Cs.. what life is this..
god help me.
posted by Jason on 9:18 AM on
Sunday, March 04, 2007
0 comments
***
Words of War, or Wisdom?
We are those who fight.
We fight for the people.
We are those fight.
The people fight with us.
We will not fall on the line battled,
Not as long as our people fight with us.
We will lose nay an inch of ground,
As long as our people will us to.
Call it fate.
Call it destiny.
Call it divine intervention.
Even if the gods willed us fall,
Our feet shall stand firm - We will not fall.
No force,
be it scrounged up from the deepest depths of the oceans,
or rallied down from the highest peaks in this world,
not a hair off their backs will reach this pass that we guard.
They may hail from the fiery bellies of hell,
but they will bring us no fear.
For even the greatest fires of hell will not melt our blades,
nor burn our bodies,
as a fire burns within us
Such is the fire of passion, that few others have managed to light,
and this very fire in every one of us,
is not worth the fires of a thousand hells put together.
Each of us a soldier,
Each of us a warrior,
All of us heroes.
All the others?
Not a problem.
posted by Jason on 5:00 AM on
Thursday, March 01, 2007
0 comments
***
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